Ramblings of “Zero Punctuation” Leaves Fan Confused

- “Where does the humor end and the review begin?”, asks young gamer

MONTPELIER, VERMONT—On his Facebook profile, fifteen year old Christopher Statham describes himself as a hardcore gamer and “a bigtime fan” of the comedy review series Zero Punctuation , starring Ben “Yahtzee” Chroshaw. Despite his long-held fondness for the Australian critic, Statham told the Pixeled Courier last Monday about how shocking it had been to discover that Chroshaw, in one of his reviews, expresses hostility towards Statham’s own favorite game – Final Fantasy XIII.

“It’s like, it’s all in front of you, you know –  your whole life. One day you’re gonna get a job, a wife, maybe a couple of killstreaks, but then suddenly, it’s all just torn away from you in the duration of an online video review,” a fatigued Statham said in an interview with Pixeled Courier earlier this week.

Christopher Statham has been diagnosed with what his doctors refer to as “cognitive dissonance” –  a disease previously thought only to harm politicians and scientists who enjoy the movie Armageddon .

“Did he really mean to compare the first hours of FFXIII to ironing your own hands?” Statham asks his mother, who is present during the interview.  She reassures him that “given how Final Fantasy XIII has been received among Final Fantasy-fans, he probably meant every single word”. Statham has been unable to attend school since the incident, and can barely muster enough energy to sit on his couch and play Final Fantasy XIII .

Ben "Yahtzee" Chroshaw, here seen reviewing Just Cause 2. IMAGE: ZERO PUNCTUATION

Ben “Yahtzee” Chroshaw, here seen reviewing Just Cause 2. IMAGE: ZERO PUNCTUATION

According to a recent study published in medical journal The Lancet , Statham is not the only one to carry the virus. The study shows that the number of sufferers from cognitive dissonance has grown exponentially since the late 90′s, particularly on video game related parts of the Internet, leading medical professionals to believe that the disease may have some connection to gaming-infused WLAN signals.

“Thankfully, most people will forget or deny that there ever was a dissonance, and continue to live their lives”, expert on the subject, Lawrence Kerr, informed Pixeled Courier. “However, in more severe cases, people have been known to drastically alter how they feel about something  in order to solve their dissonance. It seems likely that this is what happened when Christopher sent an e-mail to Mr. Chroshaw, asking him to go fuck himself.”

Chroshaw was unavailable for comment, reportedly because he, along with several other game critics, is suffering from another disease known as nonchalance. His condition is thought to be both stable and perfectly justified.

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