New Donkey Kong Disproves Theory of Evolution

- Scientists at Nintendo Reveal Baffling Discovery at VGX

Apart from Fallout and Uncharted being no-shows, one of the biggest upsets at Spike TV’s video game award show, VGX, was perhaps Nintendo’s announcement that monkeys apparently are unable to evolve into different species. This report is considered to partly, if not entirely, disprove the theory of evolution.

The discovery, which was revealed in a scientific report titled Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze and announced by Nintendo’s renowned evolutionary biologist, Reggie Fils-Aime, shows that test subject and full-time monkey Donkey Kong has effectively stopped evolving, in spite of previous promising results.

“Donkey Kong” is an experiment thirty years in the making.

“We told our fans we had a surprise coming up.” Reggie bragged to VGX host Geoff Keighley after dropping the announcement. “I’m sure our fans will be shocked when they play Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze and see for themselves how the abysmal updates in gameplay and graphics demonstrate that monkeys could never evolve into something else, let alone into human beings.”

Evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins agrees that Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze is a giant blow to the idea that human beings have evolved from monkeys, stating that “as long as there are copious amounts of bananas to collect and co-op fun to be had for the whole family, there simply exists little reason for monkeys to evolve into anything else”.

Several Nintendo-fans are surprised by the announcement, claiming that the popular Nintendo monkey has gone through noticeable changes over the years, in spite of his recent evolutionary stalemate. Reggie did, however, address these concerns on his blog after having made the announcement:

“Although many were impressed by how Donkey Kong adapted to driving racing karts and by how he eventually stopped lobbing barrels at people of Italian descent, these are probably mere behavioral changes. If monkeys really did evolve into other species, Donkey Kong would have been a time travelling assassin or a buzz-shaved U.S. Navy Marine at least by 2007 – saving the red, white and blue in games made entirely out of brown and grey, you know, like the rest of the evolving industry.”

UPDATE: Scientists at Sony have revealed that human beings didn’t evolve from monkeys, but from ape-like creatures. This being said, Donkey Kong is no longer an argument in serious debates between evolutionists and creationists, like it has been the last thirty years. That leaves Spore, developed by Maxis studios for PC and Mac, as the leading scientific study done on the subject.

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