Total War: Rome II (PC) Review

- An infinite amount of patches later…

rome2feat

I can’t sleep. I can’t think. Rome 2 is released, I hope it won’t stink!

I got the game, the package is tight, come on Creative Assembly, please get it right! The plastic, I can’t get it off. For goodness sake, man get a grip! Come on, dude, let it rip!

So who to play? Carthage? Macedon? Rome? Fudge yeah, baby, I’ll take them all home. There’s a prologue campaign, should I skip it this day? Sure, why not, I’m sure it’s bugged anyway.

God, that campaign map is to die for! But, man, scrolling around it!? A total chore. So huge, so beautiful, what not to adore? But wait a minute, where is my Senate floor?

Now to battle, my soldiers at the ready with their army heritage. Hold on, this can’t be the battle for Carthage? In the trailer, the legions looked so hot. The darker vision of war, this is not.

Attacked and besieged by an army of zombies. Quick, men, hide in the trees! They march with their ladders and ride on scary horses. Oh what’s that? They can throw fiery torches?

CTD, CTD, CTD, you are hurting me. Bugs, errors, performance issues. Mom, I’m crying, I need tissues!

After such a release, how can this game’s story end? Patches, more content, that is your friend! The legions are better now, their testudo formation working. By the beard of Zeus, phalanx, you call that twerking?!

This game, I had such high hopes. You let me down, but now you’re getting the ropes. No longer ugly zombies, now only AI newbies. To play you is all I really want to do. Rome II, I kind of love you.

7 out of 10

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