Man Harassed by Own Cat in Team Fortress 2

- “Who needs hacks when you have nine lives?”, asks PC gamer

ATLANTA, GEORGIA— Paul Gingham, age 32, confirmed yesterday that his pet cat Tibbles had been clobbering him in online first person shooter Team Fortress 2 under the codename ‘t1bbl3s_rulz’. “I’m not quite sure how he got a Steam account,” reported a visibly agitated Gingham, “but every time I boot up my desktop for some relaxing TF2, he runs off. Next thing I know, I’m being taken down by t1bbl3s_rulz.”

Since his first online encounters with Tibbles, Gingham has repeatedly attempted to notify Valve about some of the unfair advantages cats have in Team Fortress 2. “As a cat, Tibbles has improved twitch reflexes and a strong urge to hit colorful moving things. All he needed to learn about Team Fortress is what fall damage is,” he informed Pixeled Courier. “He’s such a friggin’ camper, though. I can barely get out the gate in Payload before he headshots me.”

As discussion turned to the numerous in-game items t1bbl3s_rulz had purchased, Gingham hung his head. “Don’t think that money doesn’t come from my bank account, either. All for hats and sniper rifles. You know, when Tibbles bought ‘Jarate’ [secondary weapon in TF2] and learned how to use it, he began to urinate on me all the time in real life. I would have locked him in the bathroom, but I forgot my Netflix password, so Tibbles always has to log in for me.”

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Gingham also expressed his concerns about his cat’s online behavior. “He purrs incoherently over voice chat almost constantly, a lot of his insults being directed at my mother. That may not seem out of the ordinary on TF2 servers, but combine that with him playing some Tom Jones song loudly over teamspeak every time he wins, and you’ll understand where I’m coming from.”

“It’s not that I mind losing every now and then” continued a near-tearful Gingham. “TF2 just isn’t what it used to be. Now that it’s free, any cat-noob can just come in and have a great time. Where does that leave customers like me? Heck, I’ve poured my life into this game. Only thing that can cheer me up at this point are the Halloween hats in the Mann Co store”

When asked where Tibbles might have picked up his skills, Gingham was almost at a loss of words. “Skills? There are no skills here, only a cat’s nine lives and a system that rewards cats with a credit card. What’s the point in purchasing a 2000-dollar gaming rig to be part of the PC master race, when you lose to another specie?”

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